


5 Times Steve Rogers Surprised the Avengers and the 1 Time He Didn't

by spookyookykitty



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, Depression, Happy Ending, Loneliness, M/M, Mention Of Suicide Attempt, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, i warn you i just have a lot of steve feelings and put it into one fic, the avengers are good bros and care, this is v self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 13:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2774897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyookykitty/pseuds/spookyookykitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically what it says on the tin. I needed to let out all my Steve feelings somewhere and this ended up happening. 14k and 9 months later it's done.</p><p>  <i> “Was Cap always this snarky?” Clint asked from his position still sprawled out on the couch. </i></p><p>  <i>The room was silent until Bruce weighed in, “Do we really even know Steve?” </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times Steve Rogers Surprised the Avengers and the 1 Time He Didn't

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this fic in like March and now it's finally done and I'm honestly kind of in shock because I wasn't sure I'd ever finish this. This is the longest fic I've ever written and I'm pretty damn proud of it.
> 
> I adore feedback and would love to hear how you guys feel about the fic! You can find me on tumblr at spookyookykitty.tumblr.com :) come say hi!
> 
> Also if there are any issues lemme know, I've been staring at this fic for so long I'm compromised in editing

1.

On a warm Sunday in May Tony announced that the team needed to go out on a bonding experience. He chose a visit to an exhibit at MOMA followed by an expensive dinner at a place he insisted was “an orgasm in your mouth.” At that comment everyone had turned to look at Steve to see if he blushed. He didn’t. 

It had been two months since the battle of New York and Steve was slowly getting more comfortable around his new team. But he was struggling with feeling alone even when surrounded by the other five people. They didn’t know him; they based everything off assumptions and the chapters on Captain America taught in history books. He could tell they didn’t see him as a person, but rather as a soldier, a disciplined patriot, and a blushing virginal old-timer. He ached for the days with Bucky and the Commandos. Those men had understood him, seen past the muscles and the symbolic costume and saw a man that was caring, passionate, funny, and even scared at times. 

He knew it must be annoying to have someone tagging along who understood so little about the time. Didn’t laugh at the right jokes, didn't pick up on pop-culture references, and barely had a grasp on what was acceptable slang or level of physical contact. But it still hurt that not one of them had asked how he was adjusting, or what he liked about the new century. He was just there.

He was startled out of his thoughts when he bumped into another body. 

“Oh my god I’m so sorry!” A voice said. 

Steve looked down and his eyes widened. A girl who looked to be in her early twenties stood in front of him; her blue hair was gelled up in a mohawk, tattoos covered all visible skin and she had multiple piercings in her face. Dark makeup surrounded her eyes and her lips were painted a deep purple. She was wearing a black dress with a heavily studded leather jacket covering her arms, ripped fishnets encased her legs ending in a pair of purple doc martens. 

“Holy shit.” She breathed, looking up at him, eyes wide and mouth slack, “You’re Steve Rogers.” 

“You know who I am?” He asked surprised, still shocked by how many people were familiar with him. The Commandos had teased him during the war, asking, “What had he expected when he toured the country dressed in tights?”

She nodded excitedly and shrugged off her leather jacket, “Of course I do! I love you; you’re my favorite superhero. You were my first tattoo.” She gushed, turning to show off the top of her left arm. He was speechless, there in full color was him in his uniform, shield on his arm and face determined. A banner under his feet read “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan”. 

He felt the sting of tears in his eyes and tried to blink them away, “You got me tattooed on you? Why would you do that?” He asked. 

She looked at him, surprised at first but face softening. “Because you’re my hero. You never backed down from a fight and you never gave up. You may have biceps the size of my thighs; but you have a heart even bigger. You’re a real hero.”

He felt a smile spread over his face, “Can I give you a hug?” He asked. 

Her face lit up and she nodded quickly, wrapping her arms around his neck as he bent down slightly to place his around her back. “Thank you.” He whispered to her before pulling away.

“Is it ok if I get a picture with you?” She asked, pulling her phone out of the bag slung over her shoulder. 

“Of course! Bruce will you take a photo of us please?” Bruce stared at him for a moment before nodding, taking the phone from the girl’s hand and stepping back. 

He placed an arm around the girl’s waist as she did the same for him. He was sure he looked ridiculous with his wide smile but couldn’t bring himself to care. 

When the photo was taken and the phone returned to the girl he held out his hand, “I never got your name.”

The girl looked at his hand in surprise, “Oh my name is Adina!” She said, reaching out and grasping his hand. A beautiful red rose was tattooed on the back of her hand and he couldn’t help but stare. “You like it?” She asked excitedly, “Just got it last week!” 

“It’s beautiful. I can’t believe the coloring, it’s so bright and bold.” He answered, “I never knew tattoos could look like this.” 

She preened, “Yeah they’re pretty great.” 

He nodded and swept his gaze over all the visible ones on her body, “Well they certainly look great on you.”

A blush spread over her cheeks and her smiled widened, “Thank you. Really. It’s been a dream of mine to be able to meet you and you’re even better in person that I ever could of imagined. I was always kind of scared you’d be disappointed in my appearance.” She admitted. 

His brow furrowed and he frowned, “Why would I be disappointed in your appearance?” He asked.

Adina shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself, “I just get a lot of shit for it and I mean, I know who I think you are but so many people think you’re this conservative traditionalist. I was scared you’d think I looked like a freak.”

Steve’s eyes hardened and he placed a hand on her shoulder, “Never. The America I know and love is full of all different kinds of people. Some have blue hair, and some have tattoos. Some are short, and some are black. And unfortunately some are bullies. I know what it’s like to be put down and counted out for being yourself, if you’re a freak, then so am I.” He finished, lips quirking up in a soft smile.

Her eyes glistened with tears, “Thank you. Freak pride?” She said, holding out her hand in a fist. Luckily he knew what to do in the situation, thanks to all the TV he’d been watching to try and get up to speed on the new century. He pressed his closed fist against hers and nodded. 

“Freak pride.” He affirmed. 

“Alright come on you freak, we have a museum to go to.” Tony yelled. 

Steve rolled his eyes. “Sorry I guess I gotta run.” He apologized. 

Adina nodded before rummaging around in her bag, “I know this probably is crazy, but here’s my card. It must be hard for you to be in a new century and I doubt Tony Stark is the best person to introduce you to it. So if you want to meet for coffee or something or need someone to talk to, call me.” She said, holding out a small pale blue card. 

He felt his heart clench, “Thank you. You’re the first person who’s offered that.” He responded, taking the card and placing it carefully in his wallet. 

”Have a good day!” She called, as he walked back to the Avengers.

“You too!” He said smiling. Even with the struggle of adjusting to a new century, he was happy that individuality seemed to have flourished with the new generations. He had a feeling that had he grown up in this time, he would have resembled her. 

When he caught up to the others they were staring at him in confusion. “What?” He asked.

“You just interacted with a heavily tattooed, blue haired girl.” Bruce stated.

Steve furrowed his eyebrows, “Yeah?”

“And fist bumped her.” Clint added.

Steve shrugged, “So?”

“So-” Tony started, stretching out the word, “There was a distinct lack of disappointed grandfather. No lecture on how ‘she would be such a pretty girl if she just took out those piercings and toned down her makeup’.” 

The blond soldier frowned, “Do you really think I would do that? Tell someone what to do with their appearance?” 

The five looked at each other before shrugging. 

Steve huffed angrily, “I knew you all had no idea who I was, but I didn’t think your perception of me were this off. I’ve fought for freedom in American and around the world. That includes the freedom to dye your hair, pierce your face, and tattoo your body. Who am I to judge someone’s appearance if it makes them happy?“ He asked, eyes hard. 

“Okay okay Cap accepts punks we get it.” Tony responded, hands held up in a placating gesture. 

Steve squared his shoulders and shook his head in disappointment, “I’m going back home. I can’t deal with right now. Enjoy the museum.” He said before turning and walking back in the direction of Stark Tower. 

“Someone’s sensitive.” Tony grumbled. 

Natasha shook her head and sighed, “No Steve’s right. We don’t even know who he is. And he’s right to be angry with us and at the comments we made. We’ve been insensitive. I’m going to go check on him. I’ll be back for dinner.” She said, turning to follow the tall blond. 

 

2.

The next time the Avengers were surprised by Steve Rogers was six months later. The Avengers were gathered around the TV, relaxing on comfy couches after an intense battle the previous day. Steve however was missing, SHIELD had insisted on using Steve as the Avengers spokesperson, and after saving the city had resulted in destroying a few buildings, it was up to Steve to be interviewed and repair public opinion. 

“I can’t take anymore shitty reality TV. Change the channel.” Clint moaned from his place sprawled out on an entire loveseat. 

Natasha rolled her eyes and clicked the remote, switching through various news channels. As she flicked past Fox News the group saw a flash of blonde hair.

“Wait go back! That was Steve!” Tony demanded, sitting up so he could get a better view of the TV. 

On the screen Steve sat to the left of Bill O’Riley, hands folded on the desk and looking the picture of professionalism. 

“They signed him up for an interview on Fox? Who thought this would be a good idea? They’ll eat him alive.” Clint complained, rolling his eyes.

Natasha shot him an unamused look, “I think you’re underestimating Steve. He can hold his own.” She responded. 

“Shhh!” Tony demanded, “I wanna see what happens.” He scolded the two agents. 

“So Captain Rogers, most people view you as a symbol of what America should be. You returning from your frozen state has been a sign to some that our country will finally be returning to the traditional values of the past. What do you think about this?” O’Riley asked, fake on-screen smile on his face. 

Steve returned the fake smile and unfolded his hands to reach for his mug of water. He took a quick sip before responding. “I’m sure I don't know what you mean by traditional values. Could you be more specific?” 

O’Riley’s faced showed confusion and surprise for a second before he returned to his mask of professionalism, “I guess it makes sense you wouldn’t know. Well the government has become way too big, it interferes with American citizen’s lives, trying to tell us what to do every step of the way. There’s those damn feminists saying women need special rights, and the gay agenda has been taking over mainstream media. People are asking for affirmative action and universal healthcare. I think we can all agree that a return to the good old days when people knew their place and the government kept its nose out of good American’s lives would do us all a world of good.”

The blonde stared at him for a moment, eyes slightly squinted in disbelief. “I’m sorry do you know anything about me?” He asked.

O’Riley spluttered, “Excuse me?”

Steve sighed, “I grew up in a single-mother household, we were poor Irish immigrants and I had constant health issues. My mother was on the front lines of the suffrage movement and brought me to protests against worker’s rights abuses as a kid. Before I joined the military I lived in a predominantly queer neighborhood and spent a year at art school. In the army there was no officer I respected more than Peggy Carter, a woman, who had to deal with constant sexism and sexual harassment. When I was putting together the Howling Commandos I was the one that insisted Gabe Jones and Jim Morita be included even when desegregated units were illegal.”

“I lived the majority of my life as the underdog. I don’t know what good old days you’re talking about, because for most Americans there weren't very good days. Sure America has a hell of a long way to go from here but at least we’re making steps, and I completely support all activists trying to make America a safer place for marginalized identities.” He asserted. 

“Listen, I know it feels more comfortable to see me as an embodiment of conservative nationalist ideals but that’s not the truth. I know you’re going to try spin my words somehow so let me be extremely clear here. I support universal health care. I support affirmative action and making our system less racist. I support women’s rights, women should be paid equally, their concerns should be taken seriously, and I completely support the Violence Against Women Act.” 

He took another quick sip of his water. O’Riley opened his mouth to speak but Steve held up a finger and shook his head, “I’m not done. I also fully support equal rights in regards to queer identities, that means equal marriage, anti-discrimination in the workplace, anti-hate crime protections, and increased support of homeless youth. I think that covers what you were talking about.” He said, smile morphing more into a smirk. 

O’Riley started at him, mouth open. 

Steve shrugged, but his eyes were hard, “I’ve seen the propaganda that was spread during the 80s and early 2000s, I know the way the media and government have used me to promote harmful programs and ideas.” His face turned serious and he looked the host in the eyes, “Americans come in every possible variety. I know you don’t want to hear this but I don’t care. I fought and died for this country but the ideals I fought for are not the ones I see realized today.” 

He shifted slightly and turned to face the cameras in front of him, “I don’t know how much this matters, but I support you no matter who you are of how you identify. I have been lucky enough to be given a platform wide enough to reach all Americans, so I’m taking this opportunity to be honest. In honor of all the amazing and strong queer people that were killed, beat, or forced to be dishonest about their true self I want to come out and say that I, Steve Rogers, am bisexual. There is nothing wrong with you and no matter what bigots like the man next to me say, you are loved and deserve respect. To all the underdogs out there, you’re so much stronger than you know and you will accomplish amazing things.” 

“Oh my god.” Tony said in disbelief. “Did he just? He just.” He stumbled over his words.

“Yeah, he just.” Natasha responded, a small smile on her lips, her eyes reflecting how proud she was of Steve. 

“You knew?” He asked, turning to look at the redhead, eyes accusatory. 

She nodded, “He told me after the MOMA incident, but it wasn’t my place to tell you all. So I just waited until he was ready.”

Back on the TV Bill O’Riley was practically foaming at the mouth, criticizing Steve and demanding he give up the title of Captain America. 

“You do realize that prior to this you fully supported me, and twenty minutes ago I was also bisexual?” Steve quipped, smirking.

“Was Cap always this snarky?” Clint asked from his position still sprawled out on the couch. 

The room was silent until Bruce weighed in, “Do we really even know Steve?” 

“I know very little of the Captain, it’s easy for me to blame it on my back and forth to Asgard but really I have not asked.” Thor admitted, voice guilty. 

An hour later when Steve returned to the Tower after being banned from Fox News for the foreseeable future, the group was still gathered in the common area.  
Clint immediately stood, “Cap I owe you an apology.” He said sighing and looked at Steve, who furrowed his brow in confusion. “I definitely judged you and I didn’t even bother getting to really know you. I just believed my assumptions and that’s not okay. I’m sorry. I’d like to get to know you better, I think we all would. If we’re supposed to be a team we should be friends who trust each other, not people who barely tolerate each other.” 

He looked over at the TV, “I’m guessing you guys saw the interview?” At their nods he continued, a soft smile spreading over his face, “Thank you. I really appreciate that. But I’m at fault too; I never really tried to get to know all of you either. I think we all could do with being more honest with each other. I’ve been so stuck in my head about this transition, when I should have realized how lucky I am to have all of you as a team.” 

“So what about Peter in accounting? You’ve met him right? He’s cute.” Natasha spoke up from her place curled up on an armchair near the window; not even bothering to look up from her phone.

Steve sighed good-naturedly; “I can find my own dates Nat, but thank you.”

The woman shrugged, still typing away on her phone, but Steve could see a slight smile playing on her face. 

“You know I’m bisexual too right?” Tony announced from his place on the couch. 

The others sighed, “Yes Tony we know. You only came out a million years ago.” Natasha responded in a bored tone, flicking her hair out of her eyes.

Tony’s mouth fell open, “Well sorry for trying to start a conversation, see if I ever try that again.” He grumbled, crossing his arms petulantly.

Bruce lay a comforting hand on the man’s shoulder, “Oh you will, we’re not worried.”

Tony squawked at the offending statement, causing Clint to laugh and almost fall off his seat. 

“I think the last thing any of us are worried about is you running out of things to talk about.” Clint choked out, still laughing. 

“You better watch your back Katniss, or I’ll seal up all the vents.” Tony threatened, arms still crossed over his AC/DC clad chest. 

Clint quickly sobered up and glared, “You wouldn't dare.” 

Tony lifted his chin in defiance, “Watch me.”

 

3.

The third time Steve surprised the other Avengers they were out at a club three months after he’d come out. 

Over the past few months the six had gotten much closer and had fostered a new sense of trust. Steve was slowly starting to feel more and more comfortable with living in the 21st century, but he was a long way from being able to call it home. 

Because he couldn’t get drunk and because Bruce had opted out from the night out he had been designated the chaperone. He leaned against the bar sipping a beer as he surveyed the dance floor and kept an eye out for his teammates. 

Natasha had dressed him for his first 21st century club excursion. Choosing a pair of fitted dark wash jeans and a green flannel button down shirt. When he had tried to button the shirt fully she’d slapped his hands away and left two buttons undone, insisting it’s the way people wear clothing now. She had also demanded that he roll up his sleeves to show off his arms, causing him to blush at the comment. A few people had come up and asked him to dance, but if he was unsure of dancing in the 30s and 40s, he was completely over his head when it came to 21st century dancing. So he had turned them down politely before continuing his surveillance of his drunken friends. 

Unsurprisingly Natasha held her liquor the best, even after all the vodka she’d drank, she looked and acted sober. The only difference was the subtle looseness of her limbs and the increased frequency of her smile. 

Over the past nine months the two of them had become the closest. When the woman had followed him back to the tower after the encounter with Adina, the two had sat down and talked. Steve had shared his feelings of isolation and sadness; his yearning for familiarity and his loved ones long dead. 

Natasha had quietly listened, a comforting hand resting on his shoulder as he spilled his thoughts. When he had finished she began talking.

“I’m not the best at emotions. I’m the first to admit that. After so many years of being trained as a killer it can be hard to be in touch with how you feel, but I know what it feels like to be alone and scared. I’m not going to lie to you and say everything will be better cause it probably won’t, the ones you love will stay dead. But you can find new loved ones in this century.” She comforted. 

“It won’t be easy, you’re from a very different time, but try and look at this as a fresh start.” She continued, one hand on his shoulder, the other resting on one of his hands, “You don't have to forget the past, but you do need to keep going. I know it’s easy to get lost in your head but you need to find something to motivate you to keep living. You mentioned a man named Bucky, wouldn’t he want you to be happy? Wouldn’t he want you to keep moving forward with your life?”

Steve had shaken his head and smiled slightly, “You sound just like an old friend of mine. I think you and Peggy would have gotten along.” He said, lifting his head to meet her green eyes.

“But you’re right. Bucky and Peggy and all the Commandos would want me to be happy. I’m sure Peggy would slap me if she could see me now.” He’d said fondly. “When Bucky died she told me to let him have the dignity of making his own choices. She hated it when I wallowed in my sadness, said it was unproductive.”

Natasha had raised her eyebrows and smiled, “She sounds like a very smart woman.” 

After that day Steve had started making changes in his life. He’d joined SHEILD, gone on two missions, and started getting closer to the Avengers. He had Natasha to thank for pulling his head out of his ass.

He hadn’t realized how long he’d been in his head until he went to take another sip of his beer only to find it empty. He turned around to order another when he saw two men flirting with a very uncomfortable looking woman. 

He set down his beer bottle and debated whether or not to approach the group when he saw one of the men grope the woman’s ass. Steve squared his shoulders and marched over to the people. He ignored the men and instead looked at the woman.

“Are you okay? He asked.

She looked up at him in surprise and relief before shaking her head, “No I told these assholes that I’m not interested but they won’t leave me alone.”

Steve glared at the two men, “Hear that? She’s not interested. No means no, so leave her alone.” 

“Hey why don’t you mind your own business? This has nothing to do with you.” The first man said, jabbing a finger into Steve’s chest. 

“I’m not about to watch and do nothing as girl gets harassed. I’ll say it one more time, back off.” Steve responded firmly.

The second man smirked and wrapped an arm around the woman’s waist, ignoring her attempts to shove him off, “Aw come on man we’re just having a bit of fun. I know you want it baby.” He leered at the girl. 

She stamped on his foot causing him to drop his arm from her waist and swear in pain. “You slut!” He growled, raising his hand to slap her.

Steve grabbed his arm and twisted it behind the man’s back. “Apologize to her now.” He growled.

The man hissed in pain at his contorted arm but looked behind at Steve, eyes burning with anger. “You have 5 seconds to let go of my arm.”

Steve met his eyes with a challenging stare, “Or what?”

“Or this.” The other man said before punching Steve weakly in the jaw.

Steve didn’t even flinch, instead responding by letting go of the one man and punching his attacker in the gut. 

The man doubled over in pain, grabbing his stomach. As his friend recovered the other man launched himself at Steve, trying to punch him wherever he could. Steve easily dodged them and was able knee the man in his groin. The man went down groaning.

Now somewhat recovered from the punch, the other man tried to hit Steve with his beer bottle but the blond grabbed it in time and instead smashed it over the man’s head. He went down like a sack of bricks. 

“Holy shit.” He heard behind him. Turning, Steve saw the other Avengers standing in front of him, varying degrees of shock displayed on their features. 

Steve shrugged, “What? They were harassing her. People need to learn that no means no and just because someone says no doesn’t give you the right to insult them.” He explained before turning back to the girl. “Are you okay now? Do you need a ride home or anything?” He asked, both his face and voice reflecting his concern. 

“No I’m fine thanks, my friends are here somewhere. Thank you, really, it means a lot.” She said smiling. She approached him and stood on her tiptoes to plant a soft kiss on his cheek. “Thanks again.” She repeated before disappearing onto the dance floor. 

He turned back to face his friends and was met with faces still displaying shock. Steve furrowed his brows in confusion, “What?”

Tony shook his head in disbelief, “What? _You’re_ asking _us_ what? You just punched a civilian, kneed him in the balls and then broke a beer bottle over the other’s head. And we’re not supposed to be surprised?” He turned his head to look at the others beside him, “I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore. Really, who is this man and why does he look like Steve?”

Natasha rolled her eyes at Tony’s antics, “Let’s get out of here before anything else happens, we can talk at the tower.” 

The other four nodded and the group made their way back to the tower. When they walked into the shared common area they saw Bruce sitting on a couch reading a book and drinking tea. 

He looked up as they walked in and smiled softly, “Have a good night?”

Clint quirked his head to the side, “Um Steve punched two guys?” He said, his response sounding more like a question than a statement. 

Bruce raised his eyebrows in surprise and set down his book, “Any particular reason why?” He asked as the Avengers all sat down around the room. Clint and Natasha sprawled on one love seat, Thor opting for a large arm chair, Tony joining Bruce on the biggest couch, and Steve sitting on the other love seat. 

Steve sighed and nodded, “Of course there was a reason, I don’t just go punching people willy-nilly.”

“Well then out with it. Did he insult the American way? Say eagles weren’t the most majestic creatures?” Tony prompted, causing everyone to roll their eyes. 

“The guys were harassing a woman, they wouldn’t take no for an answer. And then they called her a slut. I was just acting like any normal human would, she was uncomfortable and looked scared so I interfered. Then the guys groped her and tried to slap her. I wasn’t about to let that happen.” Steve answered shrugging, but it was obvious in his voice and tense body that he was still angry.

Clint whistled, “Wow okay that’s a good reason. Good job Cap.” He said in admiration. 

Bruce shook his head in astonishment, “I hate guys like that. It was really great that you called them out Steve. Otherwise they may never have known that what they were doing was unacceptable. Bystander intervention is vital.” Steve smiled in thanks; even not being fully familiar with the term he could guess what it probably meant. 

“Well Cap I have to agree. That was a great thing you did back there. I just never expected to see Captain America get in a bar fight.” Tony admitted. 

“I used to get into fights all the time.” Steve said, a faint smile on his lips at the memories of his Brooklyn escapades. Which almost always ended in him getting a stern talking to from Bucky followed by an inevitable hug and some basic first aid remedies. 

Tony looked confused for a minute, “You mean even when you were tiny?”

Steve nodded proudly, “Yeah constantly. I never knew when to keep my big mouth shut if I saw someone getting bullied or mistreated. I can’t count the number of times Buck would pull me from a fight where it was me against two or even three big guys. He said he was starting to think I liked getting punched.” He said wistfully, picturing the man’s face berating him as he fussed over his black eye and split lip. 

“So you really always stood up for what was right. Even when you didn’t have the body to match huh?” Clint commented as he leaned back against the love seat. 

“Yeah. But I couldn’t just watch bullies get away with being mean. I hate bullies. I don’t care if they were picking on little kids, or making fun of immigrants, or being rude to women. It’s not okay to do those sorts of things and they needed to know that.” Steve said resolutely and passionately. 

“Damn I think I just fell a little bit in love with you.” Clint breathed out, but then winced as Natasha smacked his arm. 

Bruce smiled kindly at him, “Steve, doing that makes you special. I know you think it’s just the right thing to do but most people would never put their life at risk just to stand up to bullies, as you put it. Most people would turn away and never think twice about leaving the situation alone. But you can’t stand by. That makes you different, in a very good way.” 

Steve blushed lightly and shook his head, “I’m just doing the right thing.”

Later that night after the conversation had turned from Steve’s sense of righteousness to whether or not any places were still open that delivered Chinese food, the blond bid his goodnights and headed towards the elevator to go to his floor. Before he made it though, Tony grabbed his arm.

“I didn’t want to say this in front of everyone else but… I’m sorry. I was wrong. I was insensitive and an asshole when I said everything special about you came out of a bottle. That’s a lie. You were special long before my dad and Erskine found you. I can see why my old man liked you so much; you’re a good man Steve. Probably the best.” The brunet admitted quietly, so the others couldn’t hear, even though they were down the hall and arguing loudly amongst themselves. 

Steve felt warmth spread though his body and placed a soft hand on the other man’s shoulder. “Thank you Tony. That means a lot to me.” He hesitated for a second before speaking again, “I don’t know if this is overstepping any boundaries but I want you to know, your dad, the Howard I knew, would be so proud of who you’ve become.”

Tony’s eyes widened slightly before the man turned away. Steve heard what sounded suspiciously like a sniff before the man faced him again. “Thanks Cap. Have a good night.” He said before walking down the hall to where the other Avengers were still trying to agree on a place to deliver. 

When Steve got to his room he sat down on the side of his bead and sighed. Reaching over to his bedside table he gently picked up a photo in a simple black frame. He held it reverently in his hands, which rested on his thighs. He stared down at the strip of photos, taken the night before Bucky was shipped out. There had been a photo booth that Steve had pulled him into, insisting the man needed a photo to take to war, so he didn't forget about him. Bucky had looked at him seriously, cupping one of Steve’s cheeks in his large hand. “I ain't gonna about you Stevie. You’re my everything.”

For the first photo they had smiled widely and looked straight ahead. The second showed Steve smiling at the camera again but Bucky smiling softly at Steve, looking at the small blond like he had hung the moon and the stars. Even on the faded paper Steve could see the pure love reflected in Bucky’s stare. In the third photo Bucky pulled Steve into a sweet kiss, one hand on his slim waist and the other gently cupping the side of his face. The fourth photo showed the aftermath of the kiss, foreheads resting against one another as they both smiled softly. 

Staring at the photos Steve could almost smell the combination of funnel cake, popcorn and roasted peanuts, and feel the warm presence of Bucky next to him. 

“I think I’m starting to like it here Buck. I still wish you were here every goddamn day. But I think I’m getting better at fitting in.” He sniffed and felt tears sting his eyes, “I told them about how often I use to get into fights and how you’d always pull me out of them.” He choked out, tears falling freely from his eyes now. “But you weren’t there this time. And it hurt. God Buck it hurts so bad every day to know you’re not here. It never seems to get easier but I’m trying for you. I know you’d want me to try but it’s so hard Bucky. Some days I wake up and expect to roll over and see you sleeping next to me. I even miss your snoring, I never thought I’d say that, but I miss it so much.” 

He cried until his exhaustion became too much. He placed the photo safely back on the bedside table before stripping and falling into bed. That night he dreamed of Bucky and him in the 21st century together. When he woke up the next morning he reached over to the other side of the bed only to find cold sheets and no sign of the man he so desperately wanted to feel. He didn’t leave his room that day.

 

4.

The fourth time happened five months after the club incident. 

Steve was surprised that no one had asked about the event that landed him frozen for 70 years. But as of today, two years since waking up in the 21st century, and a year and a half since joining the Avengers, not a single soul had asked him why he didn’t just try and land the damn plane. 

Part of him desperately wanted someone to ask, but the other part couldn’t stand the thought of someone knowing the truth. 

He tried hard to appear normal and strong in front of his team, and in many ways he was happy. The team had become his family, his apartment was feeling more and more like home, but he was simultaneously struggling to hold it together. He woke up from nightmares on the nights he was actually able to fall asleep. His hands often shook and he couldn’t remember the last time he didn’t feel on edge. Some days he couldn’t bring himself to even leave his floor of the tower. It wasn’t until his weekly coffee date with Adina when he finally had a name to go with what he was experiencing. 

PTSD. That’s what she’d called it, post-traumatic stress disorder. She said it was extremely common with people who served in wars, and back in the old days it was called “chronic shell shock”. 

She said it was nothing to be ashamed of and it didn’t mean he was weak. Many people who hadn’t even experienced war had PTSD; any kind of traumatic event could leave a person with it. She explained triggers, panic attacks, anxiety disorders and depression to him. When he asked how she knew so much she just smiled sadly and said one of her ex’s had it from being sexually assaulted, so she had educated herself extensively on the topic to be as supportive as possible. 

“Go to the VA, they probably have counseling sessions or at least recommendations on how to start to live with it. It won’t go away, but you can learn to lessen the severity of it and make it manageable.” She said patting his arm after giving him a big hug. He nodded and promised he’d go and that he’d call her and tell her how it went.

He stuck to his word and the next day he ventured down to his local VA. He was surprised to find a whole variety of pamphlets and information sheets on PTSD and other combat related issues sitting on the front desk. After collecting each one that related to his symptoms he waited for the receptionist to finish her phone call. She was a petite but strong looking woman with dark brown hair tied up in a bun, the jewel-tone button up she was wearing complimented her brown skin, and as the conversation on the phone died down he could see she had a beautiful smile that showed off her straight white teeth.

After hanging up the phone she smiled politely at him, “Hello sir how can I help you?”

“I was curious about group therapy sessions or really any services that dealt with PTSD?” He managed to stutter out while rubbing the back of his neck.

Her eyes softened and she nodded, “Of course, we have a group that meets every Thursday from 5-7pm and one-on-one appointments for those that would feel more comfortable without a crowd. Do either of those interest you?” 

Under her kind stare he relaxed and nodded back, “Yeah, that would be really helpful. Do you have to speak at the group sessions?”

“No, only if you’re ready, you aren’t forced to anything you’re not comfortable with. Here let me write down the information about the two options and you can decide on your own time.” She said grabbing a neon pink post-it note.

“That’d be great, thank you so much.” He said breathing out a sigh of relief and letting his arms fall back to his sides.

She shook her head, “Don't worry about it, it’s why we’re here. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been back?” 

Steve bit his lip and quickly calculated his time in the 21st century, “Almost two years, but I didn’t really connect what I was experiencing with a condition. I just kind of thought I was going crazy you know?” He said shrugging self-consciously. 

“I completely understand, it’s hard to admit that you’re struggling, because once you do it all seems so much more real and terrifying. But remember that there’s nothing shameful about it and you’re strong for admitting you want to work through it and get support.” She reassured. 

“You sound like you’re talking from experience.” He mentioned. 

She nodded, “Oh yeah, I had two tours in Iraq. I’ve never really been the same. But working here, getting help, and knowing I’m not alone has made it a lot much better.” She held out her hand, “I’m Diana, it’s nice to meet you.”

Steve shook her hand and smiled back, “Steve, it’s a pleasure. Thank you for all your help, I’ll probably see you again soon.”

“Have a great day Steve and don’t be afraid to call if you have any questions!” Diana called as he walked away from the desk, he waved as a sign that he heard and then left the building.

As he stepped out of the elevator to his floor of the tower he sighed and set the information on the counter in his kitchen. 

He wasn’t sure where to go from here. He wanted to talk and work on his issues but the process seemed so daunting he didn’t know where to start.

Even if he did join a therapy session he worried that the counselors and other attendees wouldn’t know how to deal with his experience. He wasn’t coming back from the kind of war people fought today; he was recovering from a 20th century war. 

He insides churned with guilt as he thought of all the amazing people he had fought with and the fact that they were all dead or dying now.

He consistently struggled with feelings of anger and guilt. Guilt because he left his loved ones behind, selfishly tried to end his life and in doing so had hurt Peggy and the Commandos. 

Guilt because Bucky died for him. 

His best friend and soul mate had charged into danger without a second thought because of Steve. And how had Steve repaid him? By letting him fall. By not getting to him quick enough and letting him slip through his fingers. He had been selfish to even ask Bucky to join the Commandos barely a week after finding the man strapped to an examination table in a HYDRA lab. He was always the reason Bucky was in danger, whether it was Bucky pulling him out of fights with guys twice his size or entering a war zone to watch his back. And now he was the reason Bucky was dead. 

He clenched his fists and fought against the burn of bile at the back of his throat. _Why had all this happened to him?_

 _What did he do to deserve this hell? Why couldn’t he have just died when he crashed the plane?_

Anger coursed through his veins as he stood up and paced his bedroom. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Bucky’s terrified face hanging off the edge of the train. Tears blurred his vision as he punched his wall with all his strength, an anguished cry leaving his lips. 

_Why did he have to deal with this? Why couldn’t he just be happy?_ He repeated the questions in his head as he slumped against the wall, sliding down into a hunched position on the floor. Tears dripped down his cheeks and splashed against his crossed arms. 

He lost track of how long he sat on the floor, but when he opened his eyes next the windows showed that the sun was starting to set. He pulled himself into a standing position and stumbled to his bed. Before getting in he pulled off his shoes and jeans, leaving himself in just his boxer-briefs and a shirt. He lifted up and covers and curled up under them; snuggling down into the soft mattress and comforter he let himself drift off into a restless sleep. 

The next afternoon he woke up to Natasha knocking on his bedroom door. “Steve? We haven’t seen you all day, are you alright?” 

He turned over to face away from the door and stayed silent. He couldn’t stomach the thought of being around other people at the moment. He knew it was selfish but all he wanted to do right now was wallow in his sadness. 

Natasha sighed and walked away from the bedroom through the kitchen to get to the elevator. But stopped when she saw a pile of pamphlets on the granite counter. She knew she shouldn’t look, but her worry outweighed her manners at the moment. 

She picked up the fliers and pamphlets and felt her stomach drop. Every single one was about PTSD or other mental health issues that commonly affected soldiers. _‘Stupid’_ she thought, berating herself, _‘how could I not realize? Of course he’s suffering.’_

She knew he was struggling in this new century but never considered connecting his behavior to something like PTSD or depression. 

Even though she was getting to know him better, it was still difficult to separate the human 27-year-old Steve Rogers from Captain America the symbol. It was startling to think that the blond was three years younger than her, stuck in a world he knew little about, without any of the people he loved. 

She collected the pamphlets and walked to the elevator, pressing the button for the communal floor she sighed and used her empty hand to massage the bridge of her nose. She was a trained spy and probably Steve’s closest friend in the Avengers, yet she still failed to notice the pain hidden under the blonde’s smile. 

She shook her head, _‘no, stop berating yourself, depression is one of the hardest things to notice, all you can do now is try to help him’_ she reminded herself.

When she arrived at the shared floor she let out a relieved breath to see that all the other Avengers were present, including Pepper. She didn’t know if she had it in her to discuss this multiple times. 

“Guys.” She barked, forcing the Avengers to stop speaking and look at her. “We have a serious problem.” 

Tony groaned as he cracked his neck, “Is the city under attack again? I’m really not in the mood to fight weird monster alien things.” 

“No. It’s about Steve.” That got their attention. 

“Shit is Cap okay?” Clint asked, eyes wide in concern. 

She dropped the pamphlets of the coffee table and stepped back so they could take a look. “Steve’s depressed. I’m pretty sure he has PTSD. This is serious, he hasn’t left his room all day and he won’t answer me when I knock on his door.” She informed the group. Her spirits lifted slightly when she noticed that everyone but Thor immediately showed signs of understanding the magnitude of the situation. 

“What is this PTSD?” Thor asked, head cocked to the side in confusion.

“Post traumatic stress disorder. A lot of soldiers have it, or anyone that’s been through something serious and life changing. Tony has it from when he was kidnapped and I’m willing to bet all of you have some form of it as well.” Pepper responded, laying a comforting hand on Tony’s left hand. 

Bruce sorted through the pamphlets quietly, “These are all from the VA. Steve must have gone down there yesterday. I know that sometimes a person’s first real interaction with treatment can trigger them. It’s probably the first time he’s admitted he needs help, it makes it more real and scary.” He said, eyes sympathetic. 

“This is most serious. In Asgard emotional ailments are treated just as seriously as physical ones. The Captain needs our support. Let us speak to him and tell him of our love.” Thor interjected, standing. 

“Wait.” Tony said holding up a hand. “We need to talk about this first. We need a game plan. A big group of people cornering him could make this worse, he might just shut us out.”

Natasha crossed her arms and nodded, “Tony’s right. We need to figure out how we’re going to do this. Maybe we could all go to his floor, but one of us would speak to him. It’s less scary when only one person approaches you. But if he needs a reminder that we care about him, the rest of us would be up there too.”

Everyone nodded, “That’s a good idea. I know I’m not the best person for this kind of stuff normally, and I don’t have the best history with Cap, but I do know what it’s like to go through this. I could talk to him.” Tony offered, looking around the group for their thoughts. 

The others slowly nodded and then all stood up. Taking a collective deep breath they headed for the elevator. 

When they arrived at Steve’s floor everyone but Tony sat in the blonde’s living room. Tony looked at the group before nodding and walking to Steve’s room. 

“Steve?” He called out while knocking softly. “You in there buddy?”

He could hear the sound of blankets rustling and then a rough voice answered, “Go away Tony I’m not in the mood.”

Tony sighed, “I’m afraid I can’t do that Cap. I’m coming in ok? Better be dressed!” He called out before slowly opening the wooden bedroom door. 

Steve looked like a mess. His blond hair was disheveled and his cheeks were pink from what Tony assumed was crying. His large frame was sitting in bed, blankets pooled around his waist. His broad shoulders were hunched, like the man was trying to make himself smaller, and there were dark circles under his eyes. 

Tony felt his stomach drop at the sad picture painted in front of him, the normally so well put together man looked broken. 

“What do you want Tony?” The man sighed, rubbing a hand down his face.

Tony put his hands up in a non-threatening gesture, “I’m just here to talk. I know I’m not your favorite person but I’m worried about you, actually we’re all worried about you.” Sighing he continued, “Natasha found your PTSD pamphlets.”

Steve’s face closed down and his eyes narrowed into a glare. “What was she doing going through my stuff?” 

“I just saw them on your counter. I was worried about you Steve. You didn’t even answer me when I stopped by. I wanted to know what you were going through.” Natasha admitted, standing in the doorway. 

Tony looked at her in confusion; she shrugged and whispered, “I found them, I need own up to it.”

“So you guys are here to…? Fix me? Make fun of me? What?” Steve asked shrugging stiffly. 

Tony shook his head, “No god no. We’re here cause we care about you. You’re family and we love you. We want to help you.” The brunette said, sincerity clear in his voice. 

“We can’t even imagine how hard it must be being thrown into a new time. It’s normal that you’re hurting Steve. We want you to know that you’re not alone.” Natasha added, smiling sadly. 

Steve put his head in his hands and shook his head. “It’s not that.” He said.

Natasha and Tony stared at him in confusion, waiting for him to continue. 

He laughed sadly and shook his head again, “It’s not just because I’m in the 21st century that I’m depressed. I was like this before.” He said quietly. 

“It’s okay Steve. Mental health care sucked back then, there are so many more options for you now! You can get through this.” Tony insisted. His eyes swept over to Natasha, still standing in the doorway. Her eyes were sad as they stared at Steve’s slumped body. 

Steve’s head shot up from his hands and he glared, a fire in his eyes Tony had never seen before. “No it’s not okay.” He corrected. “It’s never going to be okay and that’s what you don’t understand. I tried to make it okay but it didn’t work, nothing worked. I woke up here and it still hurts.” 

Tony froze, “Steve what are you talking about?” He asked, confused and scared. 

“I tried to kill myself Tony. But it didn’t work! I woke up and everything still hurts just as badly as before! Why do you think I crashed that plane in the Arctic? There were a dozen different ways I could have landed it or disabled the programming.” Steve choked out, the fire leaving his eyes as they filled with tears. 

Tony saw Natasha lift a hand to her mouth in surprise and could hear the other Avengers hurry to the room. He had forgotten about them for a moment, the shock of Steve’s statement taking over all of his thoughts. 

“Why?” Natasha whispered. 

Steve closed his eyes and took a shaky breath, “Because Bucky was dead.” He took another breath before continuing, “Because even when I had nothing I had Bucky. But suddenly he was gone and I couldn’t handle it. I saw him die and it was all my fault! I didn’t deserve to live after that; I couldn’t bear to go on while he was lying at the bottom of the Alps. He was my everything, I loved him so goddamn much and he died and I couldn’t do it.” He sobbed, tears falling from his eyes.

“I couldn’t do it.” He repeated, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. 

He startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder and opened his eyes to see that the hand belonged to Tony. The other Avengers had also entered the room as he his eyes were closed; they were standing around his bed, eyes sympathetic. 

“We had no idea Steve.” Natasha started, placing herself on the bed next to him and grabbing one of his hands. “I know none of us are Bucky, and you might never really move on. But you can keep going with us. We all love you and want you to be happy. Almost a year ago we talked together about this. You said you knew that Bucky would want you to be happy and keep on living. Don’t make a mockery of his wishes. Do this favor for him.” She said, stroking his hand softly.

“Steve, I know what happened on the train. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t think you’ll ever believe this but I’ll keep telling reminding you everyday if I need to. Bucky’s death wasn’t your fault. It was HYDRA’s fault.” Tony said, voice firm and leaving no room for discussion. 

Steve shook his head, “I’m a mess. Why are you guys wasting your time on me?” He questioned.

“A few months ago, you said that you wanted us to be a team. And that meant being honest with each other. But if you really want that, you have to hold up your end of the bargain Cap. We want to be there for you when you’re struggling. You’re not the only one who’s broken. We all have issues, but we can be fucked up together. You just have to let us know.” Clint responded, and the others in the room all nodded. 

“None of us are perfect or put-together Steve, except maybe Pepper.” Bruce added, “We all need support. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. I know recovery is scary, and it takes a long time, but we’re here for you. I’ll go with you to the VA every day if you need.” He offered, smiling softly. 

Steve gave a half-hearted smile in return. 

“I can look into some specialist therapists if you want.” Pepper added thoughtfully. 

“I know how to knit. Maybe that would help you keep yourself occupied if you get lost in your head.” Clint suggested with a shrug. 

“You can always talk to me, or we could spar too if that’s what would help.” Natasha said, still softly stroking his hand. 

Tony gave his shoulder a pat, “I’m here to talk, or I can always bore you with my techno-jargon.”

“I can see what is available in Asgard. Or perhaps an animal companion would assist you? Many warriors have a close animal to keep them company and help keep them in high spirits!” Thor exclaimed. 

“Bucky always wanted a dog.” Steve admitted softly, “That’s a nice idea Thor thank you. Thank you to all of you.” Steve said, raising his eyes and looking at the people in the room. 

“Would a group hug be too cheesy?” Clint asked. 

“Let us all embrace!” Thor announced pulling everyone onto the bed for a hug. 

After a few misplaced elbows and an accidental groping incident the Avengers were cuddled up together in a large pile on Steve’s bed. The blond was at the middle of the hug and for the first time in two days he actually laughed. 

 

5.

The last time Steve surprised the Avengers was almost five months after they approached him about his PTSD and depression. It had been a very difficult past few months for Steve. Bruce was right, recovery was difficult, and there were bad days, but as a whole he could tell he was doing better. 

Although Tony had graciously offered to contact the best therapists in the country Steve decided to use the resources at the VA. He liked the idea of being part of the therapy groups, a collection of struggling people supporting others and being supported in return. The sessions were difficult at first, Steve was unsure of how to open up, but on one particularly bad day he broke down and let it all out. The other veterans comforted him and subsequently strong friendships were formed. 

One day when Steve walked into the meeting room there was an unknown man talking to the group leader Nico. He was a handsome black man wearing a smart button down and khakis, and when he smiled Steve could see a gap between his front teeth. When the meeting started the man was introduced as Sam Wilson, a counselor from the DC VA who was visiting for two weeks.

“I’m here as another support system for you all. If you ever need to talk let me know. I also do one on one counseling sessions so feel free to talk to me after the meetings to set one of those up. It’s a pleasure to meet all of you.” He said, his eyes soft as he smiled at the group. 

Throughout the meeting Steve could occasionally feel the man’s eyes on him, so when the meeting ended he wasn’t particularly surprised to be approached by the man. 

“Sam Wilson.” He greeted, holding out his hand to shake.

Steve returned the handshake and smiled, “Steve Rogers.”

Sam smiled and nodded, “Thought so. I’m sure you get this all the time, but you were one of my heroes growing up. It’s an honor to actually meet you.”

Steve nodded and thanked him.

The other man paused for a moment, his eyes reflecting slight hesitance before speaking again, “Nico mentioned that I might be able help you a bit. I lost my wingman Riley when I was serving. He was my best friend and I couldn’t do anything to help him. It was a standard PJ rescue op, nothing we hadn't done a thousand times before, but an RPG knock Riley's dumb ass out of the sky. It's like I was up there just to watch. I know what it’s like to lose someone who means the world to you. If you wanna talk, here’s my number.” He said, holding out a beige business card. 

The blond accepted the card with a trembling hand, “That would actually be really helpful. Thank you.”

Sam studied his face for a moment before smiling gently, “You free now? We could use Nico’s office to talk.”

Steve mentally went over his plans for the day; he had been planning on picking up some new art supplies after the meeting but that could easily wait. “That would be perfect.” He answered, returning the other man’s smile. 

Before heading to the office, Sam detoured to the staff kitchen where he made them both cups of tea. When they arrived at the office Sam sat in Nico’s office chair as Steve took a seat on the small couch in the room. 

“So how are you doing? Honestly.” Sam started, after taking a sip of his green tea. 

Steve sighed, and shrugged slightly, making sure not to spill his own cup of earl grey. “I think I’m okay. There’s bad days and good days. I think the hardest part is not getting discouraged by all the work I have ahead of me. Sometimes it just seems like giving up would be easier, but I know I can’t do that now.” At Sam’s confused look he continued, “I have an amazing support system, all of the Avengers are there for me, and I can’t stand the idea of letting them down.”

The other man nodded in understanding, “That’s a great place to start. People often begin recovery with other people’s wellbeing and happiness in mind. The important part is to find reasons to do it for yourself too. You shouldn’t give up because you deserve more. You deserve a full life. It may take a while to really start to believe that you’re worth it, but if you keep repeating it, you’ll start to see the truth in it.” 

Steve nodded and looked down at his tea, “It’s the guilt that gets me. No matter how many times someone tells me it wasn’t my fault I can’t help but think what if? What if I had just reached a bit farther, Bucky could still be alive.” 

Sam took a deep breath, “Some stuff you leave there, other stuff you bring back. It's our job to figure out how to carry it. Is it gonna be in a big suitcase or in a little man-purse? It's up to you.” He paused to take a long drink of his tea before continuing, “Listen man, I know it sucks. I still dream about Riley’s death. Sometimes I wake up and forget it even happened and I keep expecting to roll over and see him lying next to me. That’s the one that hurts the worst. I know it’s cliché to say it gets better, but it does, somewhat, in the way that it’s manageable.”  
“Were you two together?” Steve asked.

“Yeah. It was hard until Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed. I mean it was still hard after that but it was a lot easier.” Sam answered, taking a shaky breath and wrapping his hands tighter around his mug.  
Steve bit his lip, “I never loved anyone like Bucky. It was illegal back then but somehow we managed.”  
“You and Barnes? What about Carter?” Sam questioned, surprise evident in his voice. 

“Peggy was amazing. And I did have feelings for her, but not the degree that I loved Bucky. She knew about us and completely supported our relationship.” Steve said, smiling wistfully. “She was one of the strongest women I ever knew; she deserved to be someone’s whole world. I knew I’d never be able to give her my whole heart, because Bucky held so much of it. She deserved better.”

Sam let out a breath, “Damn.” He marveled, setting him mug on the desk behind him. He leaned forward; elbows resting on his thighs he clasped his hands together and fixed Steve with a serious look. “Listen man, you can’t stay in the past. I’m not going to tell you to move on because it would sound like telling you to leave Barnes behind. And I know you’ll never do that. But you have to start looking forward too. Let yourself have fun and enjoy your life here in the 21st century.” 

“I think I’ve been afraid that if I have too much fun it’ll be like forgetting Bucky.” Steve admitted, before swallowing the last of his tea. “In the past, all my fun was synonymous with Bucky, I’m learning how to have a good time without him.” 

“Realizing that is a big step. From now on whenever you find yourself policing your fun I want you to say no to that little voice in your head. You are allowed to be happy.” Sam recommended, smiling slightly. “Now let’s go do something fun okay? Enough of this heavy stuff.” He said standing up and plucking the empty mug from Steve’s hands. 

They spent the rest of the day wondering around Brooklyn, Sam listening to Steve’s stories about how the city used to be before the two decided on a little Italian place for dinner. As they laughed over glasses of wine Steve realized how much lighter he felt. Just admitting his fear of having a good time made him feel as if his chest was looser and his breathing easier. Having someone like Sam to talk to made him not feel so alone. Sam knew what it was like to lose the love of your life and was living proof that life was still worth living. But he also didn’t sugar coat it, Sam was honest about how difficult of a process it was. He was just what Steve needed. 

“I want to thank you for talking with me. You’ve already helped me so much.” Steve said appreciatively, shaking the man’s hand as they left the restaurant. 

Sam smiled, showing off the gap in his front teeth, “We gotta stick together man. It’s really no problem. This is my job, and I’m not about to say no to talking to Captain America.” He joked before turning serious, “Seriously, I’m honored to help you in any way I can. We can help out each other okay?”

“Okay.” Steve responded, a soft but real smile tugging at his lips. 

“You know if we weren’t both still in love with our dead boyfriends, I think we coulda been a good couple.” Sam mused as the two walked away from the restaurant and towards the closest subway station. 

Steve stuck his hands in the pockets of his jacket and smiled, “Yeah, I bet you’re right. In a different universe maybe.” He replied, looking up at the clear night sky. 

Steve couldn’t help but wonder if there was a universe where everything worked out for him. 

A few days later Steve invited Sam to join him and the other Avengers for a night out. Sam had agreed quickly, expressing his excitement over meeting Black Widow and Hawkeye. 

Unsurprisingly Sam got along extremely well with the other Avengers, his snark meshing perfectly with the tone of the group. They had all agreed to go to a club not far from the Tower that was busy enough to be fun but not overcrowded to the point of claustrophobia. As always Steve was the chaperone, but unlike the last excursion, they got a table together and spent most of the night drinking as a group. 

Every once in a while a brave person would come up to the table and ask one of them to dance, first Natasha, then Sam, then Thor, then Steve. Natasha and Sam had agreed and enjoyed a dance or two before returning to the table, but Steve as always, kindly said no and wished them a good night. Thor however had been out on the dance floor for the past half hour. 

“Why don’t you ever dance with someone?” Clint asked.

Steve shrugged, “I’m not good at dancing and I’m not really looking for someone to date right now.” He admitted, taking a swig of his beer. 

Tony rolled his eyes, “You do realize these people aren’t asking you to date them right? They’re just asking for a dance, maybe a drink, and who knows, maybe you’ll go home together.” 

“Gee Tony I had no idea.” Steve answered sarcastically, “But I’m still not interested.”

Sam set down his beer, “Not interested in which part?” At seeing Steve’s confused face he continued, “The dancing? The possibility of kissing and or sex?”

“Did you just say sex in front of Captain America?” Clint asked but was ignored. 

Steve looked thoughtful for a minute before responding, “Honestly, right now I’m not interested in any of it. I’d rather be with my friends than focus on romance.”

Tony snorted, “ _Romance_. He just said ‘romance’ to talk about a hook-up. Listen Stars and Stripes, I know it’s hard to talk about sex when you’ve never had it, I was like that once. I know, I know huge shock, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve just got to get out there and try it.” He counseled, patting Steve on the back. 

Steve stared at Tony for a minute before shaking his head and laughing. “Why are you so convinced I’ve never had sex?” 

The table fell silent. Steve looked at them in surprise. “Wait, all of you thought I’d never had sex?” What did they think he and Bucky had been doing all those years? 

Natasha shrugged, “It wasn’t that I never thought you had, it was more that I never thought about it at all.” 

“I mean come on man, look at it from our point of view. You’re like the paradigm of purity and righteousness. We all know you as a person now but it’s not easy to completely forget the image shown in public by the media.” Clint admitted. 

“I can see that, but I guess I figured since you all knew about my relationship with Bucky…” He responded, trailing off. 

“Was he the only one?” Bruce asked. 

Steve nodded, eyes staring down at the half-full beer in his hand. He could still clearly remember the last time the two of them had had been together before Bucky fell to his death.

_It was the night before the mission in the Alps and the Commandos were in high spirits. Bucky had been sending him longing looks all day, unable to stop himself from touching Steve whenever he had the chance._

_All the Commandos were sitting around the fire eating their dinner rations when Bucky decided to sit down on Steve’s lap. The other Commandos laughed, and made exaggerated cooing sounds at the cute couple._

_“I just love it when mom and dad aren’t afraid to show their affection for each other.” Morita joked, smiling at the two men._

_Bucky made a face and frowned, “I still don’t get why I have to be the mom.”_

_Steve grinned at him and pressed a comforting kiss to his cheek. Bucky couldn’t help but smile and duck his head._

_Dum Dum snorted, “You’re the mom because we all know what goes on in that tent of yours.” He said leering at the couple._

_Bucky flushed and opened his mouth to respond but Steve cut him off by placing a hand over his boyfriend’s mouth. “Don’t bother, it’ll just give ‘em more dirt on us.” Steve advised._

_Bucky grumbled under his breath about “grown men acting like fuckin’ disrespectful children” before returning to his dinner. Steve tightened his arms around the man’s waist and pressed a kiss to the brunet’s neck._

_That night the two had stumbled into their tent, trying to quiet each other’s laughter with kisses. Somehow during their kissing the two ended up on their shared bedroll. Steve had to take a moment to stop when he looked down at Bucky lying under him. The man was staring up at him, eyes sparkling with happiness, a light flush on his cheeks, and slightly swollen red lips stretched into a soft smile._

_“You’re so beautiful Buck.” He whispered in awe, lowering his head to plant a quick kiss on the man’s lips._

_Bucky rolled his eyes, “What a charmer that Steve Rogers. My mama told me to avoid boys like you. All talk, no follow through.” He joked, his smile widening._

_Steve growled and stole Bucky’s lips in a filthy kiss, reveling in the low moan he got in response. “I’ll show you follow through.” He whispered in the brunet’s ear._

_Later, Bucky’s legs were wrapped tight around Steve’s waist, hips moving to match Steve’s deep thrusts and mouth open, soft groans falling from his lips._

_“Yes right there, yes!” He breathed out, his lips forming a smile at the pleasure he was experiencing. “God Stevie you’re perfect.” He added, running his nails down the blonde’s back._

_Steve smiled in response and pressed chaste kisses to Bucky’s lips, tightening his hands on the man’s hips and definitely leaving bruises. “How’s this for follow through?” he asked._

_Bucky laughed, swatting at Steve’s chest. “You’re such a pu-” he started, but was cut off by a particularly hard thrust, causing him to let out a low drawn-out moan._

_When Bucky finally came, Steve couldn’t help but watch as Bucky’s mouth form an O-shape, marveling at how lucky he was to have this man under him. But his thoughts were quickly cut short as his own orgasm hit him._

_The two were sweaty and panting, matching smiles on their faces as they pressed kiss after kiss to each other’s lips, still wrapped around one another._

“Top or bottom?” Tony asked, getting an elbow in the side from Natasha. “What?! I couldn’t just let him sit there all sad! And I really wanna know.”

Steve huffed out a laugh and rolled his eyes, “I’m not telling you that Tony. I’d really rather you didn’t visualize my sex life.” 

Tony sighed and drained the rest of his whiskey, “You’re such a buzzkill Rogers.”

“It worries me how disappointed you are.” Steve admitted, the rest of the table just shrugged, as if saying ‘it’s Tony’. They had a point.

When Thor came back to the table he insisted on everyone joining him for one dance, Natasha offered to teach Steve how to dance. With her hands around his neck she whispered in his ear “whenever you’re ready for romance again I’m an extremely good matchmaker”. Steve laughed and thanked her, but he couldn’t see himself being interested in dating again for a very long time. Still, he tried to enjoy the night and learned that he was actually pretty good at modern dancing.

 

+1.

A year later Steve’s world was completely different. 

Bucky was back. At first he wasn’t fully Bucky. And Steve knw he’d never be the Bucky he used to know, but Steve wasn’t the same person he used to be either. 

After months of intensive therapy Bucky was finally doing better. He still had bad days; there were nightmares, triggers, and guilt, but he was back with Steve. 

The worst night was when Bucky remembered the people he had murdered while under Hydra control. Steve woke up to Bucky crying, curled in a ball in the corner of their room, gun in his hand. Steve felt his heart stop when he saw that the gun was pointed to Bucky’s head. 

_“Bucky, put down the gun please.” He said, trying to make his voice calm._

_Bucky choked back a sob and shook his head, “You don’t know what I’ve done Steve. I’m a murderer. I shouldn’t be alive.”_

_Steve shook his head and slowly approached Bucky, his hands held up to show he meant no harm. “No Bucky you’re not. That wasn’t you. Do you want to kill anyone right now?” He asked._

_Bucky looked up at him, eyes wide and afraid, shining with tears. “No, I don’t want to hurt anyone Steve.”_

_The blonde nodded and kneeled down next to the man, “Exactly. You don’t want to hurt anyone. You’re not a murderer. You were tortured to do horrible things but it wasn’t you. If it was, you’d still want to kill people now.”_

_The smaller man’s shoulder shook with the force of his tears, “I don’t know what to do Steve. I’m so tired of this. I just want all the pain to go away.” He sobbed._

_“Bucky, there’s something I’ve never told you.” Steve started, taking a deep breath and placing a hand on Bucky’s knee. “You know how I crashed that plane?” He asked. At Bucky’s confused nod he continued, “It wasn’t because it was the only way to stop the bombs. It was because you were dead and so I wanted to be dead.” He could hear Bucky’s sharp intake of breath, “I tried to kill myself because I couldn’t deal with the pain of losing you.”_

_“…Steve” Bucky whispered._

_Steve sighed, “And then I woke up and it killed me to know it didn’t work. That I was still here while you were dead. I found out a name for what I was feeling. It’s called depression. The team has really helped me and I’m so thankful that I accepted their help. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been here to see you again.” He moved his hands to grasp the gun that was being held loosely in Bucky’s fingers. He pulled the gun away from him with little resistance and set it on the ground away from the brunette. “I’m here for you Bucky. And so is the rest of the team. You can get trough this okay? I promise.”_

_Bucky let out a shaky breath and nodded. Steve reached out to pull Bucky into a warm hug._

But that was six months ago, and Bucky was doing better than ever. He attended his bi-weekly therapy appointments and Skyped with Sam whenever he was really struggling. 

Neither of them were perfect, but they were recovering together. 

It was a crisp fall day when the Avengers decided to have their next team bonding night. Halloween was nearing so Clint, Bruce, Tony, and Natasha had decided that the others needed a classic Halloween movie education. They had selected the least bloody movies in an attempt to make Bucky feel safer and avoid the likelihood of him getting triggered. 

Natasha, Bucky, and Steve were designated with the responsibility of getting together food to snack on. The three searched the kitchen for all kinds of chips, popcorn and soda, slowly creating a pile large enough to satisfy the various members of the Avengers. 

As they worked the three made fun of each other and cracked jokes, at one point Steve mentioned something about an unfortunate accident from the 30s that had involved him and a stray cat. He couldn’t even remember exactly what he had said but it made Bucky and Natasha laugh. 

Steve however was only focused on one of them. Completely absorbed in the image of Bucky with his head thrown back, hair tied up in a messy bun with some stubborn strands framing his face. Bucky’s face the picture of happiness as he laughed. The sound rang loud and clear and Steve couldn’t help but stare at the man in front of him in awe. 

That beautiful, caring, intelligent man in front of him was his. He pulled Bucky close and pressed a kiss to his head, closing his eyes he breathed in the brunette’s smell. “God I love you.” he whispered. 

Bucky quieted his laugher and pulled away enough to look at him. He smiled back, placing his flesh hand on the side of Steve’s face, cupping part of his jaw and cheek. He softly ran his thumb over the blonde’s jawline before pressing a kiss to his lips. It was quick and chaste but it sent tingles down Steve’s spine. 

“I love you too.” Bucky responded finally, their lips still touching. 

“I’m making it my mission to make you laugh once a day.” Steve said, grinning. “I spent seventy years without that laugh, and I’m not going another day without it.”

Bucky peered up at him under his long lashes and Steve sucked in a breath, Bucky’s blue eyes were bright and shining, like they used to back when they were kids. “So you’re gonna keep me huh?” The brunette joked, but Steve could hear the hidden meaning.

“Forever pal, I’m not losing you ever again. I’ll handcuff us together if I need to.” Steve answered, threading his fingers through the metal ones of Bucky’s left hand. He griped the man’s hand tight, ensuring that the other could feel the pressure. 

“Kinky.” Bucky said smirking, but Steve could see how his eyes seem to light up even more at his response. 

“I’m serious.” Steve started, “I’m not letting you out of my sight for the rest of our lives. You’re my everything Buck.” He admitted, smiling softly at the slightly shorter man.

Bucky’s eyes glazed over with tears but there was a wide smile curling over the man’s gorgeous lips. “You’re my everything too Stevie.” 

Steve couldn’t help but kiss those temping lips, unsure of how he went even a day without them. Bucky made a happy noise in the back of his throat and opened his lips, Steve gladly licked into the other man’s mouth. Curling his tongue around Bucky’s and enjoying the sweet sounds coming from the brunette. He placed a quick peck on the man’s slightly swollen lips before pulling back enough to see the happy and dazed expression on Bucky’s face. “Marry me?” He asked softly, his hand around Bucky’s waist pulling the man even closer.

Bucky’s mouth dropped open slightly in surprise, “Are you serious Rogers? This is how you’re asking me?” He retorted. 

Steve, for his part looked a bit regretful, but steeled his face into a look of determination and nodded, “Yeah. This is it, take it or leave it. Will you marry me?” 

Bucky bit his lip and shook his head in disbelief, “Sometimes I still don’t know how you’re real. I’ll always take you punk, I’d be a fool to let you go.” He said, pressing another kiss to Steve’s lips, “I would love to marry you.” 

Steve kissed back, his chest felt warm, and he couldn’t stop the wide smile that took over his face. He had to pull away when the smile became too wide and made kissing impossible. Bucky was smiling too, the two of them stared at each other just enjoying the other’s presence before the brunette huffed out a small laugh and pressed his forehead against Steve’s. 

“Well I for one am completely and utterly unsurprised by this development.” Steve heard Tony announce. 

Bucky pulled away and frowned, “When did you get in here?” He asked.

Tony shrugged, “You guys were taking too long so we came to get our own food and saw this touching display.” He said, walking past them towards the pile of snacks. It took Bucky a moment to register his words before realizing that all the Avengers were in the room starting at him and Steve. 

“Finally.” Clint said, rolling his eyes, but the couple could see that his eyes looked suspiciously wet. 

Bruce and Thor smiled widely and expressed their excitement of the upcoming wedding. After the excitement had died down slightly and the group had dispersed again into the movie room, Natasha, Bucky, and Steve were once again left in the kitchen. 

“You’ve both come so far. I’m so happy to see you two happy.” She said, wrapping her arms around the two men. 

Steve smiled an pressed a kiss to her hair, “Don’t worry Nat, you can be the maid of honor for both of us.” He said, eyes softening when he heard her sniff softly. 

She looked up at him and smiled, “I would love to. Someone has to keep you two idiots in line.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, “Oh please I’ve been trying to keep his ass out of trouble since before you were even alive. It’s a lost cause.” He joked. 

Natasha huffed out a laugh before extracting herself from the embrace and collecting the rest of the snacks on the granite counter. “Come on lovebirds, you have all the time in the world to be disgustingly cute. You can afford to watch some movies with the team.” She called over her shoulder as she left the kitchen. 

Steve smiled down at Bucky, taking the other man’s hand in his and pulling him gently towards the cinema. “Come on pal, she’s right. We have all the time in the world.”

Bucky pressed a quick kiss to Steve’s lips, “That we do.” He agreed. 

\-- 

The next morning when Steve work up he had take a minute to make sure he wasn’t still dreaming. But sure enough Bucky was still wrapped in his arms, head tucked under Steve’s chin, and Steve could feel soft puffs of breath as the man slept. 

He sighed in contentment and couldn’t help pulling Bucky closer, also pressing a kiss to the man’s sleep mussed hair. 

The brunette snuffled quietly and pressed his face closer to Steve’s skin. “You woke me up asshole” he muttered. 

Steve couldn’t help but laugh, running his hands down the other man’s naked back to try and placate him. “I’m sorry expressing my love woke you up.” He yelped as Bucky pinched his side in retaliation. 

Bucky pulled back and gave Steve a half-hearted glare. The impact of the look was lost on Steve though, as he couldn’t take Bucky seriously with his bird’s nest of hair and still sleep glazed eyes. 

“C’mere.” he whispered. Bucky pressed close to the other man again, and tilted his head up for a kiss. One of Bucky’s hands lifted to cup Steve’s cheek, as Steve stoked Bucky’s hip with his thumb. 

“Mmmm,” Bucky hummed happily, “I know how you can repay me for waking me up so early.” He teased. 

Steve raised an eyebrow in response, “Oh yeah?”

Bucky smirked and rolled them so Steve lay on top of him. “Yeah.” He said, spreading his legs so Steve could fit comfortably against his body. “How ‘bout you repay your _fiancé_ by showing him how much you love and appreciate him.” He coaxed, biting his lip. 

“Is that so?” Steve teased, smiling widely. 

“Yep.” Bucky responded, dragging Steve down by his dog tags and pulling him into a deep kiss. 

They didn’t leave their floor all day, and none of the Avengers dared to bother them.


End file.
